Memory Lane #3

…She reached for her bag, took a deep breath and unlocked the door. A chilled winters breeze rushed in as she stepped out of the car. She could see the moon, staring right back at her; as if she was being watched. She felt a chill down her spine as she began to squint her eyes. She made her way slowly towards that cold looking house, pacing herself while trying to control her breathing she began to feel anxious and nervous. 22:59, an hour and one minute till midnight.

She waited patiently at the front porch of the house as the driver stepped out of the car and walked towards her. She saw him reach for a set of what seemed like house keys sitting inside his right pocket. He must be right-handed, she thought to herself with no relevance. As he walked passed her they brushed shoulders; just a slight bump, but enough for her to make her heart skip a beat. He looked back and smiled; she blushed. It seemed like forever as she patiently waited for him to open the doors to this plain and simple house. This night of escape was about to happen, it was going to become reality she thought to herself. ‘You ready?’ He whispered with a smirk. As the doors swung open, he switched the lights on. The house was tattered; wallpapers were falling off the walls and the floorboards creaked as the wind hallowed through. It felt even colder inside the house than it was outside. As she gathered herself to try and make herself warm, she took a step into the house. It felt quite unstable and quite frankly it seemed like she was about to fall through the floor. As she shifted her wholeself through, she quietly closed the doors behind her.

She glanced around, trying to remember every detail of this tattered house simply because this may be her first and last time here. It was dim, the lights weren’t bright enough for everything to be seen. But enough moonlight peaked through the ripped curtains draped over the lounge room windows allowed her to vaguely visualise the blueprints of the house she was standing in. As she reached for the handrails of the staircase in front of her, for some reason she felt as if something wasn’t right about this house. In the middle of a quiet suburban street, old and tattered, cold and dark; it didn’t make any sense. She scurried up the staircase in hope to locate the man who brought her here. Her heart started beating quicker and quicker as she looked around into the empty rooms upstairs. He was no where to be found…Suddenly, she heard a loud clanging sound downstairs in what she might thought to be the kitchen. Being both cold and terrified she paced back towards the staircase…

(to be continued)
– T.




Impulsive and Compulsive

There is a time and moment in each of our lives that has created who we are today. 不經一事,不長一智 has what always stood out most in every situation. A phrase suggesting that experience is what gives you wisdom, it is what makes you grow not only emotionally but also mentally. Without it, who are we to know what we are, who we are and what we want? It’s contradicting sometimes; makes me laugh too I suppose. When you thought your maturity has reached its peak and conquring the world was within your grasp. Buddy…hold up.

Leaving pages unfinished, skipping a few paragraphs to even chapters here and there. Do you think you’ll still get the whole picture? Naive. But for a moment you thought that Hey! I am making the right decisions, I am going with what my heart says. What heart dude?! Get real. There will always be two sides of the story. Two sides of every situation you have and will ever been in. Don’t think for a second that each decision you make will definitely be the right one. But in saying so, it also doesn’t mean it is/it was the wrong choice either. Both comes with its implications and it all really comes down to how you see it, respond to it and deal with it.

We often don’t think much of it, but making decisions is always one of the hardest things you can ever do. It doesn’t matter what it concerns; when you do end up choosing one of the options presented to you you’d always end up pondering or might even regret that you did not choose that other one.
Having one of those days where you wake up and not feeling yourself, not wanting to face what life will throw at you today either at work, at school/uni or even just from people in general. It’s just one of those days…where you just want to stay behind a closed door, enclose yourself and surround yourself with your own thoughts. Is it a bad thing though? Shutting yourself out from the world, from people who care about you. You really start to wrack your brain and think hard and ultimately lose yourself in it sometimes, whether what you chose to do or not do was the right choice. I mean it terrifies me sometimes. Not that what I chose was wrong or bad or might lead to something worse, but…the confidence I once had in me when I made those decisions sometimes subsides and it makes me wonder and doubt sometimes, like did I do/choose the right thing?

It’s quite interesting though…when you finally get a chance to sit down and have some alone time, you really start to think about anything and everything, and then you suddenly realise just how hectic your life is. I mean for one, having only just finished a chapter of my life at uni which I considered the most draining but one of the most amazing part of my life…to now shifting to a set schedule of work everyday as well as keeping my network alive, juggling life and family, friends and foes…I wonder what an extra 24 hours would do for me…nah I’ll probably just procrastinate and find myself pushing for time again.

I get it, I know. It is obviously impossible to predict the future and sometimes we just gotta live through it day by day. Take up the responsibilities that comes with the choices we make and if it were to be a bad potato, just pick the right one next time. People often say the old is wise. But can age really define your level of wise-ness? There are several people I know who are older than me whom their lives are falling apart, but there are also some who…just seems like they have it together. This goes for the young ones too. Which sometimes makes me think, that your maturity level isn’t really defined by your age.
There are figures like parents, and friends and mentors who can often shed a light in things we’re not sure of. Not that they would know what would happen in our lives but they can often point us in what they think is the right direction. But then again, who can say that whatever they know is right though? It really all comes down to the fact that none of us can actually agree on what those things are. What is considered the right thing to do and what is considered the wrong. But I guess all we can do is hope for the best.

– T.


We refuse to disconnect, we reek of attention. We crawl from webpage to webpage trying to find something that excites us, trying to find something to fill the gaps and give us momentary pleasures of laughter and humour. It has settled into our everyday lives that technology consumes at least one third of our days time. And who knows, maybe some day it’ll eventually become a necessity and that without it, life may become non existent.

Even our wrinkly friends have jumped onto the bandwagon, not that it’s anything bad. And some may argue that letting our little ones the permission to be exposed to technology at a young age may in some way be a terrible terrible decision to welcome them to this world. But some day, we’ll soon forget what the word book means, what a newspaper is, what it meant to dwell in each other’s company and conversations. Some day it’ll be too late to salvage any of this and soon… our kids will even question why our generation is ‘so old’.

We’re scared to put our phones down. We’re scared to switch them off. Because if we do, we’ll have to face up to who we really are without the screen and meet our component; silence. We fear silence, we are terrified of it. It feels as if it is sucking you in alive, ripping you open and showing you just how dissatisfied you are about yourself, in the presence of yourself without all the fancy lights and sparkles. We subconsciously hide, create a world within these four walls and use it to escape from the real world. Escape from the compulsory greetings, small talks, the obligatory freedom of speech everyone is entitled to on a daily basis. Simply because we are too busy attending to these so called business we supposedly have in those little screens.

We whip out these small hand held devices whenever we seem to think we get bored. Break time; phones out eyes down. On trains, buses, trams; phones out eyes down. I don’t deny that I do it also and I don’t exclude myself from the majority. And it’s hard to say that I’m not talking about myself here either. Call me observant or nosy. But if there isn’t going to be any changes in the way we expose ourselves to these bright little screens that sits in our pockets or our bag, we are opening doors to a future that revolves around flashing colours, gossip stories bouncing off every corner, constant adverts screaming into our ears; it is as if we are settling for less, settling for the bare minimum. We let our minds be enclosed and trapped within these small screens and restrain ourselves from exploring and understanding what more we can indulge in outside these bright eye-tearing screens. Because face it, we all want acknowledgement, acceptance, to be part of what we call the norm. The norm of having hundreds of followers on instagram, the norm of collecting and hoarding as many likes as you can so you can feel satisfied about yourself. Everyone is in fact blindly searches for themselves and truly, their identity lies within that screen. Without it, without it’s presence, who are you ?

Although what I speak of only seems to be one part of our distorted lives, I could be wrong in many ways. Where the reliance on technology in some circumstances is and can be so crucial. Locating and seeking directions to new destinations, keeping in contact with those who are often unreachable in person, relaying sick calls to our boss when we decide not to come in to even a short and sweet message to our parents to tell them you’re coming home for dinner tonight. In some instances, it is a true miracle that technology exists but it is also in this very notion of things that it can get exploited as well. But hey, I’m not the one here to remind you of what better life you can have when you look up from your screen, or what other activities you can compose yourself in when you are bored during your commute to and from places on a daily basis. Life is more enjoyable with and around people. And when you need time alone to recollect yourself, then do that, alone. Because what does time alone actually mean if it is not spent with you, yourself and you alone?

– T.




Those raw moments when you first meet someone and become friends are memories we usually cherish the most; memories of which we look back on and smile. But for some, it would be memories we wish we could forget. There are times when I wished I could tell the future, times where I wish I knew that meeting and befriending a certain someone would in some way turn into a regret down the track; though if we could, life would become too dictated and boring. Plus we wouldn’t even learn from our mistakes.

It’s quite funny sometimes, or even silly to think that back then you treated that person like they meant something to you, but down the track it turned into a joke for them. You wonder, when did it start to go wrong? You thought this friendship was going to last a life time and yet it turns out that it had already ended before you could even start to imagine that you guys would be ‘chilling in front of the tv at a nursing home together in our badass wheelchairs and milk tea‘.

With things like this, people often tell you to not worry and ‘move on’ with life; true and it is an obvious and most likely the wisest choice. But sometimes when it crosses your mind, it’s really hard ignoring. In a sense, it just sucks..that this actually happened. And from there, you begin to fume and grow hatred towards this person; because this person that you once treasured as being not only just an acquaintance, but a friend worth trusting. Worth investing time and effort into growing your friendship, this human being has made a full 180 degree turn and pushed you away. Surely that makes you angry?! Surely in some way it just makes you want to go egg their house and ask why..?

Your mind races around as it brings up all the memories you once had with them. All the dumb jokes you had between the two of you, all the conversations you had over food, even laughing till you both could barely breath. It’s confusing. It’s scary to even think that a friendship you thought would last a lifetime went down just like that.

Well to be honest, what can you do? It’s hard to say. One could suggest to tell this person to get f*****. Full on hate their guts and continue to do so for the rest of your life. And whenever you see this person, stare them down like they did you wrong because that’s what you want them to know. Or you know what, who cares?! Why must you yourself, waste your time and energy hating on that person when they never really cared about you or this in the first place? Because hey, if they never found value in this friendship then why should you?

There will always be tension because it seems like there are some unfinished business between the two of you. You brainstorm and think of all these valid arguments and retaliations and form a wild and heated dialogue in your mind. And you know what, that felt good; but only for a few seconds..before returning to reality and realise you never said anything along the lines of what you just thought of but instead, stood there in silence and oblivion. It hurts man; honestly.
Friendship…those who come and go are honestly not worth fighting for. Those who conveniently take advantage of your kindness and trample all over it like it’s trash are not worth an ounce of your forgiveness. It’s a s*** feeling. It’s something no one would ever want to go through. But I guess…that’s what we call life. Hard to tell, Hard to predict. Even harder to live through mistakes you’ve made. It’s tougher than it looks. It’s just a series of unfortunate events. 

– T.


Sleep deprivation; the only thing that most…wait not most..probably all students suffer from when it hits exam time. We cram, we sleep less, we eat less (and more unhealthy food), we even see the sun less since we’re always indoors all day either at the library or in our bedroom studying our asses off in hope to get a good grade, or at least pass. We get stressed, we panic, we get sucked into this delusion that we are not going to pass and ultimately just end up thinking, why…? why did I put myself through this…. you feel me? I’m sure you do. You’re probably suppose to be studying right now too, but instead you’re browsing the net, scrolling mindlessly on Facebook hoping something may strike your attention so that it can take your mind off those seemingly useless (why do I even need to know this) lecture notes; even if it was only for a little moment.

Poor you, or shall I say us? I too have and had my fair share of the pain and the agony. It is hard I know. We all tend to forget though…why we chose to do it. We complain, we moan, we get irritated, we even let out the BIGGEST sigh, repeatedly. All these emotions makes us forget why we chose this path. The gathering of knowledge, the application of such knowledge, the development of this; it is honestly a never ending circle. But who says it isn’t an experience worth enjoying?  Who says it should be the most hated activity? You’re probably thinking where has my sanity gone right? why would she think that studying is fun and enjoyable?! Well..why not?

Don’t get my wrong, sometimes I do HATE studying, especially if it is completely and utterly useless and not applicable to me and my future career, which is probably in most cases how almost everyone is feeling at the moment. Every time I enter a study space; besides the infrequent laughs amongst peers, all I see are emotionless faces. I sense boredom, anger to even hatred. It is definitely a sad space to be in. It sucks, I know. We often dwell in these momentary feelings and begin to contemplate and maybe even regret choosing this particular path. For all I know, maybe all we wanted was to earn good money and live a simple life. Not go through the torment of studying and cramming and the stress of sitting the exam on a little square table which is HONESTLY the smallest table one could ever want to do exams on….its ridiculous. One paper, two hours and a whole lot of cramming decides your next step. Whether you pass with a good grade, you pass but just merely or…you don’t and the subject(s) must be repeated, otherwise you won’t be able to graduate. Your hecs fee goes up…your motivation goes down, the list can honestly go on for a while.

Why do we let ourselves be tormented by all this? Oh that’s right, because we supposedly chose to put ourselves through all this. It’s okay, it’s not like we haven’t made rash decisions before right..? Like the time you chose to devour a family meal from KFC all by yourself because you thought that was the best thing to do for your empty stomach but you INSTANTLY regret it right after? It’s okay, we all do it. But you enjoyed it right? When those lips met those tender, juicy chicken meat while you tore off that crunchy flavoursome skin with your teeth, you honestly fell in love. Or drowning those nicely salted potato chips in that little pot of gravy before allowing it to enter your mouth. Salivating? Ditto. I is hard, we can never make the right decisions. For some, it seems like everything you choose is the wrong answer for you. But for others, having that extra sugar in their coffee, or buying that top online was probably the best decision they have made.

Studying sucks, but it only sucks if you don’t like the content. Or say that the degree you chose is definitely the one you wanted but the subjects you need to pass to get that degree is what you hate. Well buddy, suck it up. You are bound to come across some things you dislike heavily in your course, but there will definitely be bits you will absolutely adore about it. You didn’t like that piece of chicken breast you got given but you loved the drumstick? It’s the same in all situations. Enjoying one part but not the other can make things quite difficult, it makes the journey to the other side much more difficult than you think. Life isn’t all about butterflies and flowers, if you were mature enough you’d see past these beauties and understand how hard they have worked to get to where they are. I’m not saying that you MUST enjoy every part of your degree, but learn to understand and accept the fact that things do get tough, things to get shitty along the way and it sometimes isn’t easy to handle certain situations. Just enjoy it. If this isn’t your final semester, you’re going to experience this whole thing again soon.

So take a break, stretch your crippled body and relax. Take time to actually understand what you are learning and find ways to make it enjoyable if it is honestly the worst thing for you right now. The knowledge you are acquiring, the knowledge you are developing will most likely become the tools you’ll need to get your foot in the door of your dream career. Or even better, help you start your own business.



A terrifying truth 

We have our busy days, days where we are so immersed in our daily lives. Whether it be our career, our education, our life goals that we are working towards or just ourselves in general. We also have our lazy days, days where we spend alone or with friends, watching tv series after tv series or having a simple brunch date. Life seems perfect at almost every point if you think about it that way. It seems like everything you felt like you needed in life was set, and you couldn’t ask for anymore. But what if…a piece was to be removed from your oh so perfect picture of yours tomorrow? What would today be like?

It seems quite obnoxious just thinking about it, what will be different and what will remain the same? Such a flustered thought isn’t it. When a time comes where something or someone was simply plucked out of your life; without a forethought, without any sign of warning presented to you, how prepared are we to face that reality. It almost seems impossible to predict the future and truth be told, if we were able to then what’s it to life many might ask? But if we were able to, just once; just for a slight moment…what would we change and how much of a change would that bring about?

I wish, you wished; we wished..that we could change something we did or spent a little more time with that someone or chose to do A instead of B.

A trip back down memory lane when a spontaneous trip was planned to visit my grandparents a few weeks back. There I stood in front of their graves and a flood of memories came back smacking me in the face. At this point where I am overly stressed and overwhelmed at the amount of work and things I needed to get done, all this did not matter when I stood in front of my grandparents. This became quite personal to me because it reminded me of how they lived their lives, how selfless and loving they were, how they were followers of Christ, how they acted as servants of Christ and how they ultimately became the reason I chose to be a Christian myself. It made me realise  how lucky I am right now. Though at times I really don’t think I am because I feel like I lack this and I lack that. And despite all the hardship, at that moment nothing mattered because I knew, that because of them I could have a fulfilled and satisfied life under God’s covenant.

Life does take a toll on us sometimes, whether in sickness or whether in loss. But being able to have an anchor to hold you tight and keep you safe, it really does give you another opportunity to look at life a different way. Sometimes we may experience the most terrible of terrible but in light of that situation, we become better, we learn to do it differently next time, we swear upon ourselves to make sure it won’t happen again.

Truth; it could hurt sometimes but hey, for good or for worse, be thankful that you’re alive to experience it. Be thankful that for the many years ahead of you, you will know what to do.

In Christ,

A piece of sweet before a cup of bitter

The word comfortable seems a bit ambiguous. It can be used on so many levels yet at the same time, it can carry a meaning that is worth so much to someone. Being comfortable nowadays seems like or is a necessity to almost everyone and don’t get me wrong; I too prefer comfort in any situation. But…can one be too comfortable? Or can it mean something more? Or different?

It takes many by surprise; or at least for some people that the phrase coming out of your shell” can often be interpreted in so many ways. Some may think that it is an act of showing your true self to the whole world, doing things you wouldn’t normally do in front of people; but when you say ‘true-self’, does that mean you weren’t really being who you really are? while others may think that it is ‘becoming’ a different person to who people thought you really were in the beginning; adding some sugar and spice to who you are right now. Either way, it just seems like everyone is ‘putting on a show’, in order to fit into this so-called society.

Having said so, because of this mindset, we have come to the point to expect things to be in a particular way but then realising that it had turned out to be the total opposite; or even something we don’t expect at all..Had we not been distorted and manipulated by the media, with these so-called #goals or such fanatical expectations, none of this would happen. We’ve all been led to think that in everything we do, whether in friendships, relationships, in study or even careers that they all should lead to a certain result. Expectations rise and fall, momentary feelings linger here and there and simply disappears; it just ends up looking and feeling like a never-ending circle of emotions.

When especially in relationships, an important factor is to really…to be who you really are, not someone your partner wants you to be. And when things start to get out of hands, having to put the pride and dignity card on the line at almost every verge of argument seems like a pretty big price. Big or not, it doesn’t seem like it will be worth it. Will it be worth being who you are and finding the right person that will cherish you and your personality, or put on a show to only end up putting yourself in a distressed and upsetting situation; and when you reveal what’s under that mask of yours, will things be any different for you or them? In all honesty, whether by choice or not it doesn’t seem like a plausible decision to make in the first place anyway, and frankly speaking, why do we need to care or worry about what others think? And ultimately, who are we to judge when our Father above is the one true judge over us all? #worthy (lol just being ironic).

We all tend to ‘put on a show’ while we try to ‘get’ with that person or reach a certain goal in hope to be in a better place. And when we do end up getting with them or get there, things inevitably start to change; for the good and the bad. With expectations hitting us from all direction its hard (even I admit it) to still be yourself and be comfortable at the same time.
So I think its okay to be okay about being uncomfortable and whatever it is that you want to do that you don’t want to because you’re afraid, that’s all the more reason to do it.